I’ve spent the last 50 years under water in a deep, dark lake, swimming upward, my eyes mostly peeled on the light overhead. Suddenly, here I am at the surface. I am breathing with more than two lungs. The sun is silently calling to my wildly eager skin cells. Something’s been lifted. And now I must absolutely fly.
For myself, I don’t use words like depression because words are so very powerful and also because I have felt so much contentment throughout the years. Lots of love, happiness, growth, challenge and achievement. But I never felt completely free of the heaviness. From here, at the surface, looking back, I sometimes felt like I had anchors attached to my ankles, my arms shaky from fruitless paddling. And sometimes it has felt like floating, no movement at all. Occasionally I’ve felt lifted, even lofted, by a great finned mammal or battered about by gusty waves. And maybe, for the last few years, the water has been like clear solid acrylic – good for seeing through but not for surfacing.
I know there is grief and horror and injustice in the world. I am filled with compassion for everything we’ve done and everyone we have been. Once, these things pulled at my hems without end. Now, my reality is an acceptance of what Is, an unshakeable belief in my Gorgeous Divinity (And yours. And theirs.) and an innocent faith in our ability to create a Heaven on Earth with the power of our radical, intentional loving.
To get to this place, I had to experience all the deep uncomfortable stuff. I had to see some of the tragic ends I’d met in past lives. I had to forgive myself for the harm I’ve done in all my lives. I had to peel away a million layers of fear and self-hatred and negative thinking. I had to become conscious of conditioning at the hands of the well-intentioned and not-so-muchers. I had to look in the eyes of my enemies and see, yeah, me, and try to love when I least felt like it. I had to learn to trust in the perfection of my Higher Self. I had to surrender it all to the Great Force From Which All Comes -- that which I can’t see, hear, touch, possibly know or fully understand. In other words, I had to come home to No Where. Folks, this weren’t easy.
And I’m sure there’s more to come. I no longer care. This is just what The Path looks like.
Now, however, underneath everything I feel myself riding on a River of Joy. When I’m driving to work on a dreary day or I’m facing a difficult decision or death comes for a dear one. There it is, The Joy. And Joy is married to Gratitude so they come to the party together.
I know how much darkness there is in the world because in many ways, darkness was my hometown. Is this you too? If so, I offer you the most powerful prayer in my repertoire. It is the best prayer I’ve found – very efficient and sincere – for those of us who have long since given up on other peoples’ prayers. Here it is: Let your eyes float closed, or drift upward, and just say “Hey.” That’s all. “Hey.”
This is a powerful and grace-filled acknowledgement that you are not alone. You are so not alone that there is a team, millions and billions strong, surrounding you, waiting for this very small call. They do not rush in unless you first invite, however timidly. And then, look out . All hell might break loose, and this is exactly what we need. We want for the resistances and fears and bleakness to break the hell loose so that you can begin to understand that you cannot just SEE the light, you ARE the light.
Let us take the baby steps for now through life’s seemingly endless stream of breakdowns, breakups and breakthroughs.